She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
