If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
