grandma shit on top of the toilet
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
