remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
