you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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