so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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