Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
