I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
