just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
