highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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