i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize