I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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