I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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