You really coming over, don't trick.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
whose ass print is on the piano?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
