The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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