my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
