Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
