Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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