she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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