Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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