i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
