girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
