i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
