I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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