captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
