help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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