Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
