I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
