You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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