True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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