My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my liver is dry heaving
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
