just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
