anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
