stop calling my apartment porn island.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
