Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize