After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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