When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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