There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
