How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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