I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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