toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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