I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
organizing the empties. That sober.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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