i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
