This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
