My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
