she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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