i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
