Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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