You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
