ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize