The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
