Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
