my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
