Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
