when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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