I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
