I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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